The Two Paragraphs Hate: Gum

I can’t help but feel like you choose to chew gum in public with the specific intention of outwardly conveying your douche-cockery.  Yes, you.  You, who insist on chewing gum, obnoxiously, with your mouth open like you’re doing a bad impersonation of a James Spader character.  Actually, suggesting that you are chewing gum obnoxiously is redundant.  I don’t thing it is really possible to chew gum in a way that isn’t obnoxious on some level.  You could, however, chew with a little more grace, or at least, concern for how you are coming off to those around you.  You could, but you won’t.

If you work long hours in front of a computer, in a cubicle, alone, you go right ahead and chew you some gum.  Anytime you want to enjoy yourself some Big League Chew, perhaps some Juicy fruit, and you find yourself alone, you have at it.  Chew to your little heart’s content.  But when you head out into the world, where interaction with others is required, or even just possible,  spit it out into an authorized trash receptacle.  You can’t be the one guy who can converse with me, with gum in his mouth, and not come off like a huge ass, so don’t try.

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